Konoha High
by DragonJ
Summary: The obligatory Naruto cast in high school story... language, alternate universe


This is the fic that TLNK started and I completed compiled into one, without all the spam in the thread. Originally I was going to write more, but felt it was best to end the story before it degenerated into one of the "random stupid humor" stories I so detest.

**Prologue: TLNK**

An alarm clock blares into Shikamaru's ears. Lazily (as always) he slams the snooze button and continues to doze off...

But yet again, his rest is disturbed by the screeching clock, so again, he slams the snooze button...

Blast! That dammed alarm clock ceases to yield. He flickers a shuriken in its direction, infuriated but too tired to do much else. Accurately, the alarm clock is cut clear through, and he had nothing to worry about...

Until his dad walks in.

"Shikamaru! You lazy coward!" Yelled Nara Shikaku as he bellowed through the house. "You're going to be late for your first day!"

Shikamaru turns his head to look up at his dad, now standing directly in the doorway.

"And if you're late... your mother will get you. You don't want that now do you? So hurry up and get to school already. sigh Why are you so lazy?"

Shikamaru replied blatantly, "It's too troublesome..." as he got dressed and began to run swiftly to the bus stop.

The bus pulls in slowly, already 5 minutes past schedule. He was going to be late either way. _How troublesome,_ he thought.

Shikamaru enters the bus and finds himself in quite the conundrum! He glances down the rows of filled seats full of random ninja, seeing a few familiar faces, but then, he sees his crush far off in the distance. Temari stares off out the window, sitting all by herself, looking as sexy as she always was.

He started to make his way down the isle of the bus, ducking the random kunai that hovered over his head. As he approached Temari, he had to make a decision. Would he make a move to sit next to her? _Too troublesome,_ as he always thought, but he wanted to, dammit! He hesitated, and as he was about to slide next to her...

"Taken. hmph." Temari rejected him, sternly placing her large iron fan in his prospective seat.

Shikamaru was devastated. He let his head hang low as he made his way near the back of the bus, seeing his best buddy Chouji chomping down on his signature bag of chips. _Guess I'll sit here._

"Want some of my chips?" offered Chouji.

"Meh. I guess." Shikamaru grabbed a few chips and digested them emotionlessly, still dwelling over his recent rejection...

_This is going to be a troublesome year..._

---

**Enter the Dragon (aka, my sections)**

Laughs and giggles filled the classroom as a beam of sunlight shone into the room through an open window. The Genin in Morino-sensei's first period math class were getting to know each other and socializing in that way that only teenagers can.

A casual observer (and listener) could hear many different threads of conversation drifting around the room...

"They said that Morino-sensei is one of the toughest teachers in the school..." wafted in from some of the more serious students in the front.

"Hey, look at that blonde girl over there - the one with the fan. Isn't she cute? I wish she would talk to me..." Shikamaru confided to Choji, or more accurately, Choji's open mouth as the chubby Genin shoved another handful of barbeque-flavored chips into the place where no chip had ever escaped from.

Choji managed a muffled statement between bites.

"She chomp looks munch munch like a mmm poodle."

Shikamaru sighed and looked away.

"How troublesome."

"Ugh, look at the size of that pink-haired girl's forehead..." Ino snickered to the guy next to her who, for some reason, was wearing only black and a lot of makeup, as well as carrying a backpack with hair sprouting out of it. "Must be one of those Goths I keep on hearing about..." Ino thought to herself, "but what's up with that backpack? It's creepy..."

"Ugh, look at that blonde pig's smug expression..." Sakura groaned to the guy next to her, a Sand Genin with a gourd-shaped backpack. He ignored her. "Hmmph." Sakura thought to herself, "Sasuke is much cooler than this loser."

Suddenly, there was a sharp yelp from the back of the room as a small brown and white dog flashed through the air and disappeared into a corner of the room, a half-full bag of barbeque flavored chips gripped tightly in its teeth.

"My chips!" Choji yelled, falling out of his seat.

A grinning Kiba landed on top of his desk.

"Hey fatty, did you get fatter over the summer?"

"I'm not fat! I'm just pleasingly plump!" Choji roared, right before an enlarged fist slammed Kiba into the wall. Kiba leaped back straight at Choji and the two began an impromptu wrestling match on the ground. Half the students in the classroom turned to watch the spectacle while the other half continued on with their conversations, unperturbed by the disturbance.

It was into this environment that Ibiki Morino, the first period math teacher, swept into the room, his black cloak billowing around him.

He whipped a senbon out of one of his pockets and flung it into the air, striking the catch of the open window and causing it to slam shut.

Silence filled the room as laughter died in mid-laugh and conversations screeched to an abrupt halt. Choji and Kiba separated themselves with an unheard of speed and reappeared in their desks.

"My name is Ibiki Morino. You may call me Morino-sensei. I will be your math instructor this year," Ibiki growled. "We'll start the year off with a test to see what you know."

The class' collective groan was stifled midway through by Ibiki's glare. He took four scrolls out of his cloak and threw them all out at once, a scroll landing on the desks on the four Genin in the front row. Each Genin reached toward the scroll and opened it, causing a puff of smoke to appear, and a stack of tests materialized on each desk. The Genin dutifully passed the tests back, taking one for themselves.

A cheerful blonde Genin jumped up on his desk. "I'm going to ace this test, believe it!"

Ibiki turned to look at him, and Naruto seemed to shrink back into his seat.

"You have 50 minutes," Ibiki intoned while sitting down at his desk, "you may begin."

Naruto carefully read the first question: If you and your opponent are at opposite corners of a square room with wall length of 10 meters, how far do you have to throw your kunai to impale your opponent? Show your work.

Naruto grinned. He had pounded the Pythagorean Theorem into his head over the summer. Now, if he could remember it...it was...A Squared ... plus B Squared ... equals ... aha! The derivative of the cotangent of secant C Squared! For some reason, the equation seemed a little bit long, but he was sure that it was just his brain messing with him.

Meanwhile, in the corner of the room, Hinata was panicking. Now she knew what Neji had meant when he had told her: "You will have trouble with writing implements today. It is your destiny." He had stolen her pencils from her jacket pocket!

She looked to see who was around her. In front of her, Shikamaru was napping, a line of drool creating a puddle on his test. He wouldn't be any help. She decided to ask the Sand Genin with the gourd shaped backpack diagonally in front of her.

"E-e-e-excuse m-m-e. C-could I borrow a p-pencil?"

He ignored her.

That left one person she could ask. She turned to the person on her left.

Naruto.

After gathering up her courage, Hinata went for it.

"N-n-n-n-aruto..." she stammered, blushing furiously, "c-c-c-can I b-b-borrow a p-p-p-pencil?"

Naruto looked up from pounding on his TI-89 calculator. The weird girl who was also buried in her jacket had asked him a question. For some reason, she was quivering and as red as a tomato.

Before he could answer, Ibiki appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Cheating, are we? Luckily for you two, this is a pre-test so my normal cheating rules don't apply. But two more incidents out of you and I'll flunk you for the year."

He disappeared again.

"HINAAAATA!" Naruto yelled, "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME FAIL THE CLASS! AND I'M DOING SO WELL ON THIS TEST, BELIEVE IT! LOOK!"

Naruto thrust his paper into Hinata's face. Hinata stared at the first question. In the work space for the simple geometry problem, Naruto had scribbled in an enormously complicated calculus equation and had come up with the answer "I will need to throw my kunai six hundred and eighty seven point six two kilometers to impale my opponent."

Hinata began stuttering again.

"N-n-n-naruto...T-that's nnnot r-r-right..."

"WHADDAYA MEAN IT'S NOT RIGHT?! I KNOW THE PYTHAGOREAN THEREOM, BELIEVE IT! IT'S A SQUARED + B SQUARED IS EQUAL TO THE DERIVA-"

He was cut off as Ibiki appeared again between them.

"Strike two."

Ibiki disappeared again.

"DAMN IT HINATA! I'M GOING TO FAIL THE TEST, BELIEVE IT!"

Naruto glowered at Hinata, then turned back to his test.

Hinata could feel her stomach wrenching as she looked back at her own test. She still didn't have a pencil, and her crush probably hated her now. What was she to do? Feeling lost and heartbroken, Hinata put her face into her jacket and sobbed quietly.

---

The Genin milled around the outside of the high school locker rooms as they waited for their next instructor to arrive. Luckily for the less mathematically talented among the young shinobi, someone had pulled the fire alarm in Ibiki's classroom before the test could be collected, and in the resulting confusion the tests weren't collected as the ninjas evacuated the building.

Now, it was time for second period, and physical education.

Naruto was sick of waiting.

"Why isn't the teacher here yet?! It's already 30 seconds past the start of class, believe it!"

The hyperactive ninja suddenly flew through the side of the building, a red mark on the side of his face as a green blur landed where Naruto used to be standing.

"Dynamic Entry!" Gai-sensei yelled as he landed, dust billowing out around him.

Gai continued to speak as Naruto slowly picked himself out of the rubble of the wall.

"Now students, I hope you're ready class – but this PE class will be different from anything you've ever known! That's right class…you shall learn physical education that's…**EXPLODING WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTH!**."

For some reason, a sweatdrop appeared collectively on all but one student as Gai gave his speech.

Gai kept on speaking.

"The school has authorized me to assign a PE uniform to be worn during this class. And just wait till you see what I've got."

Gai reached around in one of the pockets of his jonin vest and pulled out a green suit and raised it high into the air. It waggled around slightly in the wind.

"Each of you gets your very own youthful training suit! I see young Lee over there already has his on. Good for you Lee!"

He gave Lee the thumbs-up sign and smiled. A blinding glare flashed off of Gai's impeccably white teeth. Lee turned red at the praise and tears streamed down his face.

"Gai-sensei! I will make you proud!"

"I'm sure you will Lee, my cute and youthful student!"  
He gave Lee a hug. The rest of the group goggled at the display.

"Now the rest of you, get to the locker rooms and change! If you're not out in three minutes, you'll have to run 500 laps! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The students shuffled into the locker rooms.

As they walked in, Choji turned toward Shikamaru.

"Gai-sensei scares me…" he whimpered.

---

Temari sighed as she pulled the green suit on.

"This ridiculous thing doesn't even fit right…" she thought to herself as she pulled at the rear end of the training uniform. "It's all baggy around my butt…"

She went over to the mirror and adjusted her hair, frowning at the sight of her in the green suit. The mirror agreed with her assessment of her looks and shattered.

Temari sighed again.

"I hope Shikamaru doesn't see me like this…I hope I wasn't too mean to him this morning…he really is sort of cute…"

She winced. What would Gaara and Kankurou think of her if they knew she was interested in one of the Leaf Genin?

Temari walked out the locker room door, shoving past Ino and Sakura who were fighting (again) over who looked uglier in the green suit.

---

Shikamaru cursed as he struggled to put the suit on.

"Argh…this stupid thing…how troublesome…"

After several painful contortions, he finally got it to fit as best as it would…which was not very well.

He sighed.

"I don't have any chance with Temari at all after she sees me in this troublesome outfit…"

Choji patted Shikamaru on the back with a barbeque-dust covered hand. The green suit looked ridiculously tight on his bulky frame.

"You should just ignore Temari altogether Shikamaru. You always said she was nothing but trouble. I'm sure someone like Ino would be a much better choice."

Shikamaru shuddered at the thought of being in a relationship with Ino.

Choji crunched down another mouthful of chips and spoke up again.

"C'mon, let's go. We're going to be late! I don't know if I can run 500 laps…"

The two friends walked out the door together, an orange handprint still on Shikamaru's back.

---

As the students made their way outside, they were greeted by an extremely strange site. What had once been a perfectly normal track was now a gigantic deathtrap, with whirring blades, flames belching all over the place, and holes haphazardly dug in the surface.

"Students!" Gai bellowed as they gathered in a sea of ill-fitting green suited shinobi, "I have created…the ultimate obstacle course of YOUUUUUUUUUUUUTH!"

He took a breath.

"The first person to make it across the finish line gets a special prize! Ready, set, go!"

Gai ran straight into the obstacle course, a cloud of dust gathering behind him.

Lee jumped into the air.

"YOSH! I will show Gai-sensei my explosion of YOUTH!"

He sped after Gai into the maze of death.

Naruto was right on his heels.

"I'm youthful too, believe it!"

Hinata ran after him.

"N-n-naruto! Wait! You'll get hurt!"

The rest of the shinobi shuffled toward the starting line. They looked miserably at one another, knowing full well that the "special prize" would most likely be another green suit.

One by one, the Genin disappeared into the maze, using their ninja arts to evade the traps, until only Kankuro, Choji, and Shikamaru were left.

Shikamaru sighed.

"How troublesome…" he moaned.

"C'mon, Shikamaru, let's go! We can handle this together." Choji said as he tried to cheer his friend up and drag him toward the entrance.

Kankuro paused as he prepared to enter the obstacle course.

"Hey fatty," he snickered, referring to Choji, "did you know you're the only one whose fat butt actually fills out their uniform?"

Choji stopped trying to drag Shikamaru, a fire erupting in his eyes.

**"I'M…NOT…FAT! I'M JUST BIG BONED!"** Choji yelled as he formed seals with his hands.

"MEAT TANK JUTSU! FEAR THE WRATH OF CUTE AND CHUBBY PEOPLE!"

Choji rolled toward the obstacle course at a blazing pace. Kankuro could barely scream before the Leaf Genin squashed him into the ground. Choji continued trundling through the obstacle course, battering aside traps as if they were made out of paper.

Shikamaru followed him, pausing to step on the unconscious Kankuro's head.

"How troublesome…"

---

Lee and Gai were the ultimate dynamic duo. The two dodged through the traps like quicksilver, nothing even able to touch the two.

Gai looked at Lee and gave him the thumbs up.

"Lee!" ding

"Gai-sensei!" ding

"I can see the finish line! We're almost there! No one else is even close!"

"Gai-sensei…what's that rumbling noise?"

"It's just the sound of my youthfulness resonating through the air!" Gai yelled.

Lee turned around.

"Um…Gai-sensei…I think it might be someone else's youthfulness actually…"

Gai turned around and his jaw dropped as a massive green ball obliterated the obstacles behind Lee and Gai. He barely had time to raise his hands over his head before the Meat Tank of Youth rolled over him and across the finish line.

---

Shikamaru walked slowly through the wake of destruction and groaning ninjas Choji had left behind. As he approached the finish line, he found Gai-sensei facedown and imprinted into the ground.

The lazy Genin poked him with his foot. Gai didn't move.

Shikamaru continued on across the finish line.

"How troublesome…"

He sighed.

"I hope Temari's ok…"

---

After Gai had awakened, he lined up the bruised and battered students.

"Class! Today, the most youthful student in the entire high school is none other than Choji Akimichi!"

He waited for applause. None came.

Unperturbed, Gai continued.

"His prize, which I promised, is very youthful indeed! It is…a free pass good for a month to the all you can eat BBQ restaurant! Class dismissed!"

Choji yelled his happiness out to the skies, then ran forward and hugged Gai, tears streaming down his face.

"Gai-sensei…I am feeling truly youthful today!"

---

Anko sighed and put her head down on her desk, a half-full bottle of sake gripped tightly in her hand.

"Of all the people they chose to teach the music class...why did it have to be me?" she moaned to no one in particular.

She took another swig of sake and belched.

"Looks like it's just you and me, my faithful bottle of sake." she giggled to the now quarter-full bottle.

There was a loud thump as the door exploded inward and a mob of excited young shinobi rushed in. It was the last class of the day and they were ready to go home.

Anko cringed at the intrusion as her left hand crushed the bottle.

"Dammit..." she said under her breath as she pulled another bottle out from one of the drawers in the desk.

"Settle down now!" she yelled at the class.

No one listened to her.

"Shut the fuck up!" she screamed.

Still no one quieted down.

Anko ground her teeth. She hated her job already.

"Well, hopefully this'll shut the little brats up." she thought to herself as she bit her thumb, drawing blood.

She slammed her palm downward on her desk and the students began screaming as snakes started crawling up the aisles.

Anko waved her hand and the snakes exploded into puffs of smoke, leaving the classroom still and quiet.

She stood up.

"Alright, today we're going to learn the fine art of karaoke."

She hiccuped, then pointed at Gaara.

"You first. Come up here."

Anko pushed a button on her desk and a projector screen dropped out of the wall as Gaara trudged up the steps to the stage.

The tipsy teacher grinned as she saw one of the choices on the screen. She selected it, and the opening notes of "Mr. Sandman" began playing out of the speakers.

Gaara was not happy about this. Well, Gaara wasn't happy about most things, but this was particularly ticking him off. He had been forced to wear an ugly green uniform that completely clashed with his hair and had been run over by a giant green meatball. He shot a look of pure murderous rage at Anko and held it there.

Anko stopped humming along to the song as she realized something was wrong. She opened her eyes to find Gaara staring menacingly at her, sand curling threateningly out of his gourd. She sighed.

"Fine, move along, NEXT!"

Gaara almost skipped off the stage. Finally, something had gone his way. Maybe he could take a nap in the back of the room now...

Shino moved onto the stage. Anko pushed the "random selection" button on the went back to nursing her sake.

In a deep guttural tenor voice, Shino began.

"FOR THE OVERMIND..." he "sang".

Anko winced at the sound and shut off the machine.

"NEXT!"

Kankuro came up onto the stage. Anko hit the random selection button and tried to sleep.

In a high pitched falsetto voice, Kankuro started his song.

"I made it through the wilderness  
Somehow I made it through  
Didn't know how lost I was  
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete  
I'd been had, I was sad and blue  
But you made me feel  
Yeah, you made me feel  
Shiny and new."

He paused.

"LIKE A VIRGIN  
TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME..."

His song stopped as Anko shut off the machine.

"NEXT! NEXT!"

Neji stepped up as Kankuro got off the stage, grumbling about how his debut performance was ruined.

Anko hit the random selection button again.

The words "DUET" flashed on the screen.

Tenten immediately jumped up onto the stage, her face flushed red as she prepared to impress Neji.

"Ok, Neji, I'll go first and you go second, okay?"

"It is destiny that I will go second."

Anko rolled her eyes and started the song.

Tenten started.

"Hi Barbie!"

Neji, in a stunned voice, managed to choke out the next words of the song.

"Hi Ken!"

Tenten, also in shock, sang out the next words.

"You wanna go for a ride?"

"Sure, Ken!"

"Jump in!"

"Ha ha ha ha!"

Neji's face was bright red as he continued the song.

"I'm a Barbie Giiiiiiirl, in the Barbie woooooooorld,  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic,  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywheeeeeere,  
Imagination, life is your creation!"

Neji was gradually getting into it.

Tenten turned even redder at the thought of brushing Neji's hair and "undressing him everywhere" and almost missed her next line.

"Come on Barbie let's go party!"

Neji was ready. He repeated the chorus one more time then really got into his stride.

"I'm a blonde single girl in the fantasy world,  
Dress me up, take your time, I'm your dollie,  
You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain,  
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...

You can touch, you can play,  
You can say I'm always yours OOOOOOOOOH WHOOOOOOOA!"

At this imagery, Tenten fainted completely, blood gushing out of her nose.

Anko managed to stop laughing long enough to stop the song.

Neji picked Tenten up and carried her off the stage, his face flushed from the exertion of putting his soul into the song. As Tenten awoke in the arms of Neji, she smiled up at him.

"Come on Barbie let's go party." she whispered to him.

They disappeared into the hallway.

Shikamaru looked meaningfully at Temari, who was sitting next to him. She caught his gaze, then glanced away, her face reddening.

Anko, having finally calmed down, called out "NEXT!"

Naruto jumped on the stage and yelled, "I'm going to be the best singer in this class, believe it!"

The class quieted down as Anko hit the button and Naruto began the song. In a deep voice, he started rapping.

"Ya'll know me still the same ol' G  
But I been low key  
Hated on by most these ninjas  
Wit no cheese, no deals and no G's, no kunais and no keys  
No knives, no shurikens, no kyuubis  
Mad at me cause  
I can finally afford to provide myself wit groceries."

He paused. The crowd was actually cheering for him, and Sakura was looking at him with adoration in her eyes.

"But ya'll think I'm gonna let my dough freeze  
Oh please  
You better bow down on both knees  
Who you think taught you bout jinchuriikis  
Who you think brought you the o' G's  
Konohamaru and Sasukeee, Sakura and Kakashiii,  
And a group that said muthafuck the Akatsuki  
Gave you a tape full of dope beats  
To bump when stroll through in your hood  
And when your S missions wasn't doin too good  
Who's the guy Hokage told you to go see  
Ya'll better listen up closely  
All you ninjas that said that I turned pop  
Or I'm a flop  
ya'll are the reason I ain't been getting no sleep  
So eff ya'll... all of ya'll  
If ya'll don't like me bite me  
Ya'll are gonna keep fuckin around wit me  
And turn me back to the kyuubi"

He paused as the song made its way through the musical part.

The audience had erupted in cheers as Naruto rapped. Several feminine undergarments flew onto the stage as Ino and Sakura cheered Naruto on, then began fighting over him, all thoughts of Sasuke forgotten.

Naruto continued as Anko beatbox'd.

"If it was up to me  
You awful ninjas would stop comin up to me  
Wit your hands out lookin up to me  
Like you want somethin free  
When my last battle was out you wasn't cheerin me  
But now that I got this chakra of the kyuubi  
Everybody wanna come to me like it was some disease  
But you won't get a crumb from me  
Cause I'm from the streets of Konoha"

He paused again, acknowledging the cheers.

"I told em all  
All them little ninstas  
Who you think helped mold 'em all  
Now you wanna run around and talk bout weapons  
Like I ain't got none  
What you think I sold 'em all  
Cause I stay well off  
Now all I get is hate mail all day sayin I fell off  
What cause I been in the lab wit a pen and a pad  
Tryna get this Rasengan off  
I ain't havin that  
This is the millenium of Aftermath  
It ain't gonna be nothin after that  
So give me one more mission and fuck this crap  
You can have it back  
So where's all the mad ninjas at  
It's like a jungle in this habitat  
But all you "savage cats"  
Knew that I was taking attacks  
When you were cuddled in the cabbage patch!"

"BELIEVE IT!"

Naruto continued rapping loudly as he strode out the door, the cheering crowd following him, leaving Temari and Shikamaru alone in the classroom.

Temari turned to Shikamaru.

"Well, that was certainly a surprise, wasn't it?" she said, looking into Shikamaru's eyes.

Shikamaru gulped, then tried to speak.

"T-Temari...I...um...er...ah...oh, this is so troublesome. I'll just show you." he mumbled.

Temari looked at him curiously, then realized she couldn't move, her shadow caught by Shikamaru's. Shikamaru moved his head to the right side, Temari duplicating his movements. Then he slowly moved forward, sweating badly, his lips starting to pucker. Temari realized what he was doing as their mouths approached each other, but with a concentrated effort she broke free of the weak Shadow Possession Jutsu. Shikamaru stopped as he realized his chakra had been cut off, then fell to the ground as Temari pushed him down, then straddled him, pulling her fan out from behind her.

Shikamaru whimpered and closed his eyes as she brought the fan forward.

"This is it..." he thought, "I'm going to die...why did I ever have to like a troublesome girl like Temari...I'm going to die...I'm going to die..."

He was pleasantly surprised when Temari let the fan fall to the ground with a clang, then pulled his head up and crushed his lips with hers, her tongue forcing its way into his mouth. Their intertwined tongues danced as Temari finally got to do what she had desired to for so long. Her heart pounded as she pressed herself into Shikamaru's lean body, sighing as he wrapped his arms around her. After what seemed like an eternity, Temari slowly and regretfully pulled away, leaving Shikamaru gasping as sparks danced before his eyes. She leaned forward, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, then whispered to him.

"We should do this more often..." she breathed into his ear before slowly standing up, one finger trailing along Shikamaru's rising and falling chest. She straightened her skirt, picked up her fan, then walked to the door. Temari turned around, winked at Shikamaru, then blew him a kiss before walking out.

Shikamaru just sat there, wrapped in the heady afterglow of the kiss, unable to believe his good luck.

"Maybe this year won't be so troublesome after so all..." he thought happily to himself.


End file.
